"All I Got Was A Rock"
Do you remember the quote ...
"All I got was a rock" from the children's movie
It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown ?
Maybe I’ve got rocks in my head.
Maybe my heart is hard as a rock.
Maybe I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
All I know for sure is... there I was, wandering on the banks of the Frio River with my camera, when everyone else had chosen to go in a different direction and hike to the beautiful heights of the canyon ridge.
Actually, I was in the Frio River… in my shoes...in the bottom of the canyon, in Texas of all places. On my usual quest to capture the perfect monarch photograph, I was quite content to be by myself. And I found a rock. A clean, heart-shaped rock. Initially, I took its picture... thinking of it as a beautiful, odd- God-distraction of sorts.
After all, I knew I had been in an odd place. A hard place. A place of healing from grief and stress that had taken its toll, regardless of how strong I thought I was. Still, I felt robbed ... and emptied. Both beloved parents, brother, and sister... buried. In the course of three years. And just for good measure, brain surgery for my precious husband to remove a benign (praise God) tumor in the midst of it all. Old age, devastating illnesses, death, surgery, recovery and prayer. A lot of prayer. Seemingly unanswered at times, in the affirmative sense on this earth, but answered ... in the spiritual sense.
Having found great comfort in the process of writing, I found myself coming up for air... in Texas ... at a writers retreat at Laity Lodge... with people I didn't know. He planned it that way, of course. Pride had caught me thinking I was in a place of wholeness, maturity, seasoned grace and wisdom ... strength (a nice way of saying I was getting older.) Really, I was in a place of weakness that I thought I could out-maneuver, out-wrestle, out-wit, out-run.
When I picked up the rock to put it in my pocket as a heart-warming souvenir ... I noticed its back side. The side that hadn't been showing. The side I don't show to the world. This side was covered in dirt. It was marred and scarred. And I noticed an odd little, white patch at the top that didn't seem to belong at all. I thought about heaving that rock into the river. I didn't want to be reminded of my brokenness. But, no... ever the contemplative... I see things.
I found, as I looked into the mirror of this rock... a place of hardness. I think perhaps it was really a palace of hardness... a palace where I reign as Queen.Oh, how I have tried to reign over my own heart. I have attempted to treat, repair and patch my own brokenness. My patches do not work... or belong. Through my own sin, mistakes and pride, I have attempted to know better than God what is best for my heart. I have done this before. Once again, I ask Him for forgiveness and abdicate my throne... for my one true Love. I recuse myself from my own case of self defense and let him rescue me ... again. I stood there, staring at the rock in my hand, feeling kind of, well ... silly.
But I saw something else in that rock ... dare I tell you? ... a faint outline of another, smaller heart trying to emerge... pushing its way out... do you see it? I traced the edges of it with my finger... God's heart, always with me... no, ... in me. I think it was so kind of him to gently show me a tangible object lesson, rather than throwing rocks of condemnation at me, the sinner. I get it. I have not allowed him to transform all of my heart. Pushed him down, covered him up, hidden him away inside... thinking I would be in charge of protecting myself. Oh God, forgive me ... "Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief."
"Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one." Be Thou My Vision, Mary E. Byrne
Christ in me, the hope of glory. Colossians 1:27
Yeah ... "All I got was a rock" from my trip to the canyon. I wouldn't have it any other way. A reminder rock that now sits in front of me on my desk. An abiding reminder. A reminder that my way doesn't work so well. He is my solid rock, my foundation in whom I am still learning to trust. I've learned this more times than I care to admit.
Joel 2:12-13
“Even now,” declares the LORD,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
