Looking back to one year ago this month. It hardly seems possible that the year passed so quickly and yet, it took forever. When you mark time by some tragedy or difficult circumstance, you notice that life appears to go in slow motion for you; while the rest of the world goes by swiftly without you. It's like the difference between listening to someone talk under water as opposed to coming up for air and listening to the shrill clarity of the splashing, wild cacophony of children squealing in delight (side note: you need to swim with children regularly to know they love to play this game like the old telephone operator game, only under water.)
Sometimes, I enjoy looking back at old journal entries to see where I've been and what I was thinking at the time. It's a great opportunity to see how God was in control all along. It's a great way to remind yourself of answered prayer and blessings. And, it's a great way to renew your worship and give God an offering of fresh praise. This month marks the one year anniversary of my husband's successful brain surgery to remove a benign tumor. The news of his tumor was tempered by the fact that his sister was simultaneously battling an agressive brain cancer. She passed away last October. It's been a long year filled with prayer, uncertainty, fear, faith, surgery, rehab, prayer, frightening post op complications, prayer, facial paralysis, deafness in one ear, and finally, recovery. Recovery is like coming up for air and hearing the clarity of normalcy again. As I look back, I give thanks to God. Here's where I was and what I wrote last year before Rich's surgery.
A Fine Line_________________
A fine line it is
between
fear____________________ and trust
peace ___________________and panic
Crossed it many times
back and forth
privately
Fear and trust
my next door neighbors
whichever way I am facing
the other one is right behind me
it is a very short continuum
a fine line______________________
Left to my own devices
in my foolishness
I visit fear
and dwell there
though it has never been a friend
For we know
that perfect fear
casts out love
Your Love
and I most certainly know
that Your Love
has always been my Friend
In my weakened state of trust
fear is more familiar to me
more logical
than trust
which is not natural
and uncomfortable
risky
vulnerable
Trust must be chosen
grown
developed
a muscle
stretched
strengthened
tested
proven
I must choose
in Your strength
to move away from fear
and move in with Trust
permanently
regardless of the neighborhood
of circumstances around me
Lord
in Your grace
strengthen my trust
distance me from fear
turn me again
to face You
where I find peace
You are my
Open Door
to freedom
from
___________________________Fear
