tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post93629053392601495..comments2023-04-15T05:13:03.656-04:00Comments on Lovepats: disposableUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-69689885059341502262011-08-22T22:47:25.144-04:002011-08-22T22:47:25.144-04:00thank you for sharing a bit of my birthday with me...thank you for sharing a bit of my birthday with me today...smiles.Brian Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00722940075884718007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-58119355350347285322011-08-19T23:45:01.370-04:002011-08-19T23:45:01.370-04:00I like the first version but I am in the US and go...I like the first version but I am in the US and got the quicker picker upper bit which I thought was a great description of someone who is trying to make things better for someone else (if I read your meaning correctly.) nice job, Patricia.Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06541409754494611831noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-32921791293234728962011-08-19T20:46:49.541-04:002011-08-19T20:46:49.541-04:00oops... meant to say
mop you up
squeeze me out
fa...oops... meant to say<br /><br />mop you up<br />squeeze me out<br />falling apart at the seams<br />toss away<br />easyPatriciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00991524097486901864noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-64624816026529202982011-08-19T20:14:46.109-04:002011-08-19T20:14:46.109-04:00Luke, et al...
Here’s my revision, for the sole p...Luke, et al... <br />Here’s my revision, for the sole purpose of seeing whether I understood what you were saying... is this what you were getting at? <br /><br />Originally a play on a popular U.S. commercial slogan for paper towel ("Bounty, the quicker picker upper"), my use of bountiful, plentiful, beautiful were descriptions of paper towel/ the one being used in a relationship. I can see how those adjectives get lost in the translation… <br /><br />But, alas… now I’ve used more words. Let me know what you think… for better or worse.<br /><br />Disposable<br /><br />sturdy paper towel<br />absorbing <br />spilled milk sadness<br />through shards<br />of pain <br /><br />falling apart at the seams<br />mop you up<br />squeeze me out<br />toss away<br />easy<br /><br />patricia sprengPatriciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00991524097486901864noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-59277515938014946362011-08-19T18:23:18.531-04:002011-08-19T18:23:18.531-04:00nice word play..... :)nice word play..... :)ayalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13243362803799877014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-84006196438726474712011-08-19T16:22:53.181-04:002011-08-19T16:22:53.181-04:00Immediate access and a powerful opening stanza.. t...Immediate access and a powerful opening stanza.. this works well and I agree that if the second matches the first in terms of impact... the whole will be greater..Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-56982930689761874382011-08-19T10:16:05.026-04:002011-08-19T10:16:05.026-04:00As Claudia says, it is a tight piece. The paper to...As Claudia says, it is a tight piece. The paper towel metaphor helps to tackle that theme which is emotionally huge for the first person Narrator. he fact that you've stripped this of any redundant words (especially pronouns) also helps make this more accessible and gives it more bite.<br /><br />I'd be inclined to make more of that paper towel metaphor though. Although it's there at the end (toss away/easy), the majority of the second stanza only alludes and could easily be seen as veering away from it - <br /><br />bountiful<br />beautiful<br />plentiful<br />pick you up<br />let me down<br /><br />this gets into more direct language as I interpreted it; also what the towel is absorbing in the back end of stanza one - <br /><br />loneliness<br />pain<br />addiction<br />fear<br /><br />is a little to overstated in my opinion. More oblique/subtle ways of saying the same things might do the piece service. It's almost as if you start with the great metaphor, but half take it away again (in terms of not tackling the big topic head on/directly) by listing these heavy, human emotion/states of being. The metaphor must work together with a subtle approach to language generally when addressing such grave topics, otherwise the metaphor is half-wasted. <br /><br />It's a strong piece, though, and there s nothing a little editing wouldn't fix (of you agree with my opinions). You certainly have a good analogy on your hands and excellent sense of succinctness/word-economy which is so importantLuke Praterhttp://lukepraterswordsalad.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-14245410692871173982011-08-19T04:24:58.516-04:002011-08-19T04:24:58.516-04:00you've wasted no words here for sure...tight a...you've wasted no words here for sure...tight and clean write and great use of metaphorClaudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03011763027311966186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-33918625410427529772011-08-19T00:29:55.364-04:002011-08-19T00:29:55.364-04:00A relationship that's like a commercial -- and...A relationship that's like a commercial -- and it ultimately won't work. Good poem, Patricia.Glynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10802111972232088511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-79460236239017108792011-08-18T21:38:09.186-04:002011-08-18T21:38:09.186-04:00nice...love the metaphor...and if only we could to...nice...love the metaphor...and if only we could toss away those fears and jears....well i guess in a sense we can...smiles.Brian Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00722940075884718007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8761501073790227558.post-47126032399644034872011-08-18T19:41:29.145-04:002011-08-18T19:41:29.145-04:00Very nice-- you work with the metaphor but let us ...Very nice-- you work with the metaphor but let us in on your meaning, which to me is the right balance to strike! xxxjJenne' R. Andrews https://www.blogger.com/profile/15744946229300234443noreply@blogger.com